Burnout, part deux ✌️

You may know me as a mom of one PDA child.

My older son, Cooper, went through a traumatic burnout six years ago – before I knew anything about PDA or neurodiversity.

Now at the age of 10 he is thriving. Enjoying tackle football, his friends, and his private Montessori school.

What you may not know, however, is that over the last six months, I have come to realize that my younger son, William (6), is internalized PDA and on the edge of burnout.

For a long time, we thought his sensitivities and challenges were related to anxiety, non-PDA autism, giftedness, and/or trauma from his older brother’s equalizing. (And these are at play, too, I’m sure).

Yet, as I watched William lose access to basic needs – first hygiene, then eating, and sleep – I knew I needed to experiment with seeing him fully through the PDA lens.

The night before we decided to give him autonomy and choice about finishing his kindergarten year, he woke us up multiple times with night terrors and nose bleeds.

Since that day, he has slept through the night with no nose bleeds or terrors.

The causal link between cumulative nervous system activation over time and basic needs access is why I consider PDA to be a fluctuating nervous system disability.

Many people have asked me – well how do you know that William is PDA?

The answer is, I can see him start to be disabled from his basic needs. The cost is too high not to experiment with the PDA lens. I’ve already lived through it and seen the other side of the coin.

So, what is it like to go through burnout with another PDA child?

Honestly, it’s hard, frustrating, and there is some grief.

But as I shared during the last live call with my PSP Plus cohort yesterday, the great news is that it hasn’t been traumatic for either of us.

Here what is different this time:

• I know I am a good mom and that I can trust my intuition and observations (rather than thinking I was crazy, like the first time around!)
• I know that William will get through this and when we get to the other side, we will have a much better understanding of his needs, especially for education (we are enrolled for school in the fall, but know that he may need to homeschool)
• I know that we won’t have trauma layered on top of the burnout. That is what I had with Cooper, because of taking a more traditional approach to parenting (think: forcing him to sit at the table, time outs, consequences, the whole nine yards…)
• We won’t have to rebuild our relationship and felt safety, because connection has been maintained by moving right into accommodations.
• Finally, I have the skills I need, so I am not just learning how to do this and doubting myself along the way.

I share this because ironically, I had so much PTSD from Cooper’s burnout that I constantly felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to go into burnout again.

It haunted me.

Yet here we are, and it’s a totally different scenario than what I was so afraid of. And it’s actually… OK.  I’m ok.

Different this time.

Tired, but also confident and knowing exactly what needs to be done.

That’s what I want for you.