My body won't let me ❤️‍🩹

We were getting ready to leave the rental cottage for a family adventure to a cute fishing village called Fishtown in Northern Michigan, when I suddenly couldn't find William (6).

I looked around the house and found him curled up on the carpeted stairs near the back door with his face buried in his arms.

"What's up, bud?" I asked.

"I don't want to go," he said.

All morning William had been saying that he wanted to join his dad, granny, aunt and me to watch his older brother Cooper fish off the dock and get ice cream in town.

Yet, as has been the routine this vacation, at the last minute he changed his mind and felt he couldn't leave the house.

He shared, "part of my body wants to go, but the other part won't let me."

In his six-year-old language, he summed up PDA in a nutshell: My heart and rational brain want to do something, but my subconscious is perceiving threat.

He was not trying to be obstinate or annoying or a burden or to ruin the vacation for me.

His nervous system was impacting his ability to leave his safe location.

So I said goodbye to the family and stayed home with him.

For the next four hours, William watched his ipad in his bedroom with the lights dim.

I delivered him nachos, cut up cherries, apples, and superman ice cream.

I offered ideas: playing floor is lava, organizing the rocks he had found on a beach, playing cornhole, reading... (a stretch, I know )

But the answer was "no."

Just like it had been the four days prior when I stayed home as the rest of the family explored beaches, small towns, and cute shops.

So I settled in on the porch, read my library book again, and did a long meditation in a dark closet with a noise machine.

And honestly, I spent part of the day fighting the negative thoughts that inevitably come when William can't leave the house:

Will he ever want to do anything?
Will he make it to school for first grade?
Will YouTube rot his brain?
How will I continue to run our family business with a 6-year-old at home?
How did I end up with two PDA kids?

But each time these thoughts came, I used my mantra from my favorite meditation teacher, Tara Brach: This belongs as part of his and my human experience.

I reminded myself: Nothing is wrong in the present moment.

I looked out the window and saw the sun shining. I felt life moving through my body. Tingling in my hands, breath moving in and out.

My son was safe in another room and happily teaching himself facts, like that his body is composed of 60% water. (He later shared with me that his body is actually 60% orange juice ).

It was only when I focused on the present moment and simply accepted - this is what is right now - that I found some peace.

And, in that non-attachment - the true energetic letting go of my expectation or agenda that he leave the house - William perceived autonomy and equality.

After five days, he was ready to jump in some sand and put his toes in cold water on a beach down the road for 20 minutes.

And it was beautiful.

I hope this supports you if you have a PDA child or teen who is having trouble leaving the house or in burnout.

It's hard, but it is also ok. It won't last forever.