Skiing and Equalizing ⛷️

Last Sunday was Cooper’s 9th birthday and we took the whole family skiing nearby to celebrate. We invited our Colombian au pair, Adrian, to brave the snowy weather with us. While having a snack in the lodge with the boys, I was explaining to Adrian that the first time we came skiing with our previous au pair (also Colombian), Cooper and I accidentally took her to the hardest hill instead of the bunny hill and I pointed out the window to the chairlift we had mistakenly gone on. Cooper corrected me: “No mama, it wasn’t that one, it was this one” and he pointed to another one that I was 100% sure was not the correct chairlift. I didn’t correct him and let it go. Later, while we were skiing, I said, “Oh look, here is the hill we skied on.”  I was pointing to the chairlift he had pointed out earlier. He quickly corrected me, “No, it wasn’t that one, it was this one.” and he pointed to a third chairlift I knew we hadn’t taken our previous au pair on at all. We kept skiing and Cooper continued correcting me in a way that felt rude, illogical, and inaccurate. For example, while trying to teach Adrian to slow himself down as he sped down the hill, I explained, “You can put your skis together in the shape of a pizza, like this…” Cooper interrupted, “No mama, it’s not pizza, it’s a pie shape.” A few minutes later, in response to Adrian’s question about whether it is easier to ski with or without ski poles, I said, “sometimes poles can make it harder when you are first learning,” and Cooper corrected me. “No, it’s easier with poles.” Each time these corrections happened, instead of arguing with Cooper or trying to “teach” in the moment, I instead used an accommodation technique I call “Diffusion.” I either let each interaction go or said with genuine curiosity, “Oh, I didn’t realize that.” This scenario describes classic, albeit subtle, verbal “equalizing.” I define “equalizing” as the reflexive, automatic behavior of a PDA child or teen (or adult) to get to a place of nervous system safety. It is a primary behavioral expression of PDA as a nervous system disability.   On the receiving end, it feels very controlling or abrasive (sometimes downright abusive) because it is literally the act of your child “putting themselves above you” in order to compensate for a perceived a loss of autonomy or equality. This can happen in the moment or when there is cumulative nervous system activation and they are finally around their Safest of the Safe person. It is often a behavior that is often outside of their conscious awareness, although it can be hard to believe because it can also feel targeted, manipulative, or like it cuts to the core of your sensitive underbelly or insecurities. As a mom, it made total sense to me that Cooper would “equalize” on his birthday while skiing. Birthdays are incredibly exciting, at the same time they often produce an *internal* loss of autonomy or an internal demand. He was clearly equalizing with me to get back to a place of nervous system safety. To the casual observer on the ski hill, the scenario above might appear like a bratty 9-year-old kid who is rude to his mom.  I appear like a pushover and not a great parent for not correcting the behavior in the moment. There appears to be a lack of “teaching,” which will ultimately lead to Cooper being a jerk as a teenager and perhaps even worse as an adult. That is the logic I subscribed to before having a PDA kid and living through nervous system burnout (both mine and Cooper’s), crawling with white knuckles out of a trauma cave, and accommodating him for four years and seeing the dramatic and positive changes not only in his equalizing behavior, but also in self-awareness, physical health (especially eating and sleep), and our connection. I also know from experience that this “verbal equalizing” is so much less intense and constant than what it used to look like in our home. There used to be violent screaming if I didn’t bring him food fast enough, growling at me if I spoke to him, kicking me off the couch, destroying his brother’s toys or creations, standing or hovering next to his brother so that he was trapped in a small corner of the house or between furniture, or even hitting, breaking things, or running out the front door. I know many of you are in this situation right now and I am with you in heart and spirit. I have been through it. However, what I have learned through my practice of accommodating my son for the last four years and teaching and coaching 100s of parents of PDA children and teens, is the following: The Logic of Diffusion When the PDA child or teen is “equalizing” – whether it is subtle like correcting you about things that don’t seem to matter – or picking the leaves off your favorite plant, breaking the lamp in your living room, or controlling when you can eat, speak, go to the bathroom – the same logic applies. The part of the brain your child is in when you observe equalizing behavior is coming from the “survival brain” or the amygdala. This is a part of the brain where rational thought, learning, understanding cause-and-effect, and accessing empathy cannot occur. Think of it like a trauma response – even if they don’t have “objective trauma.”  Someone who is experiencing a trauma response simply can’t learn or take in information in the moment.   As we begin to wrap our minds and our hearts around this foundational truth as parents, we realize we have only two choices in these moments (that indeed are incredibly activating to *our* nervous systems). We can either try to correct, teach, explain, or rationalize in response to the equalizing (which will activate them further and push them deeper into the panic response) OR we can accommodate them through techniques like diffusion or de-escalation. The latter choice supports our children and teens to move back into their frontal lobe or “thinking brain” where learning and connection can occur. Over the long term, this consistent practice as a parent is what helps them strengthen neural pathways back to the thinking brain, allows them to access more rational thought more consistently, and develop a sense of felt safety (which must precede attachment and connection according to Polyvagal Theory). (CAVEAT: This is where I know what you are thinking – “But what about when they are hurting someone…” “But what about the siblings…”,  and all the other sentences that start with “But what about…” Please note that Decision-Making is a different skill than accommodation practices. Sometimes we need to set a boundary which *WILL* activate their nervous system, but that is a different concept. Risk mitigation includes situations that are physically unsafe, where siblings are involved, or other scenarios that make you want to argue with me at this point in the email. Lol. If you want a taste of cost-benefit decision-making, please head on over to our $25 pre-recorded workshop Boundaries and the PDA Child or Teen. Or if you want to practice *all of these skills* with me, two additional trained coaches, and with a group of other like-minded parents over the course of three months, head on over and sign up for the waitlist for our May cohort of the Paradigm Shift Program). The Skill of Diffusion   Here are the steps: Take a sacred pause before reacting (simply don’t do anything for 3-5 seconds. If you need an anchor, focus on the tingling in your hands, the breath in your nostrils, or focus on something visual like the shape of a tree branch out the window). Recognize that your child or teen (or even spouse) is “equalizing” Tell yourself that this is “just data” and that it is not personal The data means that your child or teen is activated and perceiving threat OR that they have an accumulation of nervous system activation from other perceived threats over the last day or week and are finally perceiving safety with you so it comes out. With this awareness, you can make a choice. If you choose to diffuse you can: Not say anything at all. Simply refraining from trying to correct (correcting = “actually, that is the wrong chair lift, Cooper.”) or explaining (explaining = “People can call the way they place their skis either a pizza or a pie. Either one is right”) or teaching (teaching = “If you speak rudely like that to your friends, they won’t like you.”) or rationalizing (rationalizing = “ski poles can make it harder sometimes and not others…”). Doing nothing in the moment is already a HUGE paradigm shift for most parents. Saying something simply like “Oh, yeah, now I remember.” or “I’m glad you remember so well.” Or even “I hear you.” Agreeing in the moment, even if you know it isn’t true. For example, I simply said, “Oh, yeah, that’s a good way to say it actually!” when Cooper insisted that we don’t say “pizza” but rather “pie” with regards to the shape of skis when trying to stop. Diffusion is Hard to Implement in Practice Diffusion isn’t complex, but it is the hardest accommodation to implement. Why is it so hard? Because it goes against all parenting advice. Even the gentlest of the gentlest parenting experts won’t agree with me on this one. Even the most loving and regulation-focused therapist will tell you to correct the behavior in the moment. To teach, to have consequences. Most parents get stuck on the Diffusion accommodation because they just can’t get past the following things: My child can’t treat me like that You have to correct bad behavior in the moment If you let them act like that, they will grow up to be abusive How will they learn if you don’t correct it? The need to be taught it’s not ok. All these worries are totally normal and absolutely valid. I had them earlier in my journey. They still creep in when my son criticizes me for something I didn’t do and I don’t say anything, or when my nervous system isn’t regulated and I am tired. However, I believe that besides communication accommodations, the amount of progress and true shifts for your child that you can make by practicing Diffusion is truly incredible. I have witnessed it in the families who have made the most profound transformations in their homes and with their children. With that, I will leave you with some encouragement to simply experiment with Diffusion over the next week. Try it and see if you notice any shifts.