Two nuggets from workshop to share with you

What a week, my friends!

First, we had so many families attend the “Progress with PDA” workshop that I had to increase the participation limits on my business Zoom account!

It is amazing to see both the increasingly awareness around our children’s neurotypes and the dedication of parents working through the nitty-gritty process of tracking indicators of their children’s well-being, cumulative nervous system activation, and connection.

Second, I don’t know if it was the tail end of Mercury Retrograde or a short circuit in my brain, but a few tech fails occurred – the wrong Zoom link was listed in the learning portal and the audio didn’t record on a TWO AND A HALF HOUR workshop session.

And so, to make sure everyone could access the recorded materials, I re-taught the first module again yesterday.

Whew.

Out of this intensive week of teaching, I have two nuggets that I wanted to share with all of you.

First, sometimes when a parent asks me “Why is my child doing X?”

The honest answer is: I don’t know.

Why? Because this is what is called an “Empirical Question.” 

What this means is that we have to experiment with a different paradigm, observe your child and notice (or "collecti data") if things change over time. If nervous system and autonomy accommodations improve behavior, well-being and connection to you, then it is likely PDA driving the behavior.  

Taking this approach requires an openness to trial and error, staying objective and experimenting with PDA-friendly accommodations and seeing what happens. To take the leap to view your child *first* through the PDA lens (rather than ADHD, Anxious, non-PDA autistic, OCD, or SPD), in order to understand what is going.

Over time, as you accommodate more consistently and intensively, you can see what changes with your child’s connection to you, access to basic needs and overall activation (fight/flight/freeze behavior that leads to avoidance). That way we can discern the root cause using what we see with our own two eyes as parents.  

Most of our PDA child have more than one dimension of their brain-wiring at play. They have sensory differences, executive functioning challenges, generalized anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and/or social communication differences that come from having an Autistic brain. Some have other complex health issues like PANS/PANDAS. Many have experienced trauma.

But the key approach in my work with parents is to peel apart the layers so you can see clearly how to move forward and help your child or teen thrive.

I encourage parents to FIRST accommodate the survival drive for autonomy and a hypersensitive nervous system, as that is most likely the “deep why” of the what you are seeing on the surface, whether it is a toileting regression, restrictive or constant eating, or moving into a non-24 sleep cycle.

PDA is so new in our collective understanding of how it operates in the brain and nervous system, most of us have not had any experience working through the lens of perceived autonomy, equality, and nervous system safety FIRST.

We are supported by therapists, teachers, and doctors who are well-meaning and encourage us to prioritize behavioral modifications, exposure, and even sensory accommodations and occupational therapy, which certainly can help long term, but without fully understanding the disabling nature of cumulative nervous system stress for a PDA nervous system.

Let me give you an example:

My son, Cooper, has sensory differences and definitely needs intense sensory input (trampoline bouncing, swings, rough-housing, etc.).

During the pandemic, in order to support him with regulation (before PDA awareness), my husband and I would get up every morning and assemble an obstacle course with a small trampoline, crash pads, and all the other squishy items we could find in our padded basement.

My husband would start work late so we could spend a half an hour of dedicated time encouraging Cooper through this obstacle course before my day of caregiving began.

But what happened? Instead of the sensory input regulating him, his survival drive for autonomy perceived the situation as threatening. It made things worse.The PDA part of his brain overrode his sensory needs and the obstacle course routine made him MORE dysregulated and diminished trust between us.

Why?

Our expectation that he participate in the obstacle course every morning? Perceived as a loss of autonomy and equality and therefore threat.

Our cajoling and cheering him on to complete it? Perceived as a loss of autonomy and equality and therefore threat.

Our anxiety around getting him to complete it for a set period of time so he could “learn to regulate” or “get the sensory input he needed”? You got it, threat.

This paradox is SUPER confusing for parents and therapists alike.  

I was so confused and would ask myself, How can the obstacle course be making things WORSE if he needs the sensory input?

Not putting autonomy first is the same reason that occupational therapy – at this stage in your child’s journey – may be making them *more* activated.

Or why your child screams that something is too loud, but won’t wear noise-canceling headphones when you suggest them.

Or the fact that your child needs the proprioceptive input of trampoline bouncing, but won’t bounce their own body.

The point here is not to throw sensory needs out the window, it is to first put on the PDA lens so that over time the child can then access the support they need regarding other dimensions of their brain-wiring.

This is a long-game.

A way of approaching the way you see your child, yourself as a parent, and the logic of how behavior and bodies operate.

It takes time and patience. And sometimes challenging leaps of faith before you see “data,” that this other paradigm is working.

The second thing I wanted to share with you all was a Bonus PDF outlining the steps to de-escalating a meltdown or panic attack. This method has been incredibly helpful for me, for other parents, and hopefully for you as you navigate big fight/flight response that come with parenting, caregiving, or working with an PDA child or teen with an externalized expression.

Feel free to share the PDF with your child’s teacher, therapist, or anyone else who might benefit.

This is not easy stuff! You are doing great!