Does it feel painful when people judge you?

What would it feel like to never have to explain or convince anyone of Pathological Demand Avoidance again?

Wouldn’t it feel like a weight off your shoulders and chest and like you were finally able to take a full, deep breath? 😮‍💨

I remember the relief I felt the moment I realized that I truly didn’t need to convince or explain PDA to anyone in my life who wasn’t already trusted, curious and approaching me with an open mind.

It came after reading the book Boundary Boss and starting to become aware of my own people-pleasing patterns. Like many of the moms I work with, I had taken on responsibility for others’ feelings, opinions, and judgments of how I was parenting my son. I even had a “fawn” response when people judged me and I would over-explain PDA just so that the other person would feel more comfortable.

This would distract my precious energy and attention away from my son – often in a panic state or in distress – because I wanted people to understand me, to feel that I was doing the right thing as a mom, and that I was aware of others’ distress.

But then it hit me – other people’s responses to my choices are not my responsibility or my task. They are theirs. I can only control myself and how I show up in the world.

This was a REVELATION. It started to free me to simply live my life and make the decisions I knew intuitively were right for my son, even if people disagreed (they will!).

With a lot of help from therapists (and trauma healers and shamans and meditation) I started to recognize the root of physical pain I felt in my body was when people judged me or were distressed and in my orbit.

I used to feel like a dagger was in my chest. A pressure on my heart. Disassociation.

I started to notice my tendency to automatically say “yes” to things that actually required more thought and pause.

And then I started to sit with the discomfort and get used to it, little by little, all while working on healing these patterns and radically accepting that people will misunderstand and judge me. It is part of my human experience and doesn’t make me wrong.

This is not an uncommon pattern for the parents I work with – especially high achieving neurodivergent women, many of whom are internalized PDA. A history of perfectionism, hyper-vigilance, and fawn and appeasement responses can make setting boundaries and advocacy for your child excruciatingly hard.

Not the tactics of doing so, but rather how it feels in your body to actually say the thing and then weather the discomfort afterwards.

I see you.

Now, you may be wondering – but Casey, what about when I MUST communicate and advocate for my child? – for example, when a spouse doesn’t want to let go of traditional parenting, when an in-law seems hell-bent on subversively being “strict” with your kid, when a teacher just can’t seem to wrap their head around PDA.

That is when we can “flip the script” on traditional advocacy to save your sanity AND actually move the needle for your family.

The first step is relaxing into the idea that you don’t have to explain or convince anyone about PDA.

What you can take responsibility for is clearly communicating your child’s needs and then linking the needs to whatever language the other party understands (even if it isn’t PC like “high functioning autism”) or any diagnoses they DO have (like ADHD, Anxiety, or ASD).

After deciding on the need we want to focus on, we can draw on Non-Violent Communication techniques to make specific requests.

This is something we workshop in real-life scenarios in our 3-month live Paradigm Shift Program.

The PLATO framework is something I teach in the program that has been super helpful and effective for parents to get their children accommodations in school, shift things in their marriage, and strengthen understanding with extended family.

The framework can be used to make a request that is specific in terms of Person, Location, Action, Time, and Object.

Example 1: Spouse

Instead of saying to your partner, "I need you to support me with lowering demands in the home," (which is super nebulous), you can use PLATO -->

"I'd like to make a request. For the next week, while in the home, I would like to allow our child to sit on the couch and eat in front of the TV during mealtimes. I will get up and get them water and refills on food. Are you willing to allow that?"

Example 2: In-laws

Instead of saying to your parent or in-laws, "I don't feel like you are supporting me," (which is super nebulous), you can use PLATO -->

"I'd like to make a request. When we come over to your house on Sunday afternoon, I would like to find a quiet place where my child can watch their ipad if they need to. I plan to leave the family meal and sit with them, if they want me to. Are you OK with that?"

Example 3: Teacher

Instead of saying to your child's teacher, "I don't like that you are using a behavioral chart with my child" (which is super nebulous), you can use PLATO -->

"I'd like to make a request. I would like you to remove my child from the behavioral app you use to rank behavior at school and please don't reference their name or points in front of the classroom when you are ranking the other children. Are you willing to make this accommodation?"

Here is a book on Non-Violent Communication if you feel it will serve you!

I hope that this note leaves you feeling more empowered to set those boundaries, NOT share information you don’t feel ready to (you can say, “our family is going through a lot right now, and I prefer not to talk about it”), and start taking up the space that you deserve and your child needs you to own.

You got this. I have full faith in you. Even if taking up space makes your chest hurt at first.

It did for me too.