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I've been starting my days with five games of Uno on the front porch with my 6-year-old son, William.
I lose every game, usually by a lot, most of the time on purpose.
I'm doing this to support William's nervous system, as he's been home from school with us for two weeks.
Every night before I sing him songs, he talks about how he plans to go to school the next day and see his friends.
He sets his alarm so he has plenty of ipad time in the morning. But then when it is time to leave for school, he can't do it.
He says his body won't let him.
And I don't force him, because I know this PDA response well.
But even as my heart is hurting for William, and knowing he needs to be safe at home right now, I still doubt myself when familiar thoughts creep in:
👉 He needs to get used to school
👉 He needs to increase his frustration tolerance
👉 I are rewarding not going to school by letting him be on the ipad and playing game after game of Uno. (And so of course he won't ever go back to school.)
Just like you, these thoughts seep into my brain from therapy sessions, social media feeds, and other people's responses to our decisions.
But when I step back, I know that these thoughts are NOT my true knowing, intuition or experience.
I know that a focus on increasing frustration tolerance for PDA children and teens - especially if they are near or in burnout - increases avoidance, ruptures connection, and will eventually start disabling them from basic needs like toileting, sleep, hygiene, eating and/or safety.
So how can we let go of building Frustration Tolerance while still supporting resilience?
We refocus on building a bigger Window of Tolerance.
For PDA children and teens, we do this with accommodations. We provide them more autonomy and equality in their relationships with us (and others if we can), we lower demands, and we provide felt safety as much as possible.
We don't push them through frustrations for the sake of it - even minor ones like losing games of Uno.
And then what happens - over and over with the families I work with - is that as the child or teen's nervous system settles, their window of tolerance grows, enabling them to tolerate more of the demands, frustrations and threats to their autonomy that they face outside the safety of our homes and accommodations.
This is a radically different paradigm.
But it's one that will positively change the trajectory of your child's and your life in ways you never thought possible.
Ready to make the changes in your home so you can feel stable, sane and hopeful again?
We're filling spots for September's live cohort of our Paradigm Shift Program.
You can join the Priority List here.
Book a Call To Learn More 📆
In the meanwhile, I'll be sending you love and cheering you on while playing many, many games of Uno.
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