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On Christmas Eve four years ago, my then 5-year-old PDA son Cooper announced that he wanted to go to bed at the same time as his 2-year-old brother, 7:00pm. He wanted the night to pass quickly so that Santa would arrive and he could open presents.
Although we were surprised, my husband and I gladly obliged. We still had to wrap presents and stuff stockings, which took us until 11:00pm. But just as we were falling asleep, Cooper bounded into our room fully clothed, wide awake, and slightly manic, to announce that he was ready to open presents.
I felt my anxiety spike. Trauma rearing its ugly head inside me from Cooper's infancy, when he would wake every twenty minutes all night, screaming, back arched, with no way to soothe him. But I put on a calm face and we explained that it was still the beginning of the night. Then my husband walked Cooper back to his bed, helped him into another pull-up and tucked him in.
This time he lasted only 20 minutes before coming back to insist it was time to start the day.
I knew that for parents of neurotypical children this might seem like no big deal. I could hear in my head all the other moms I might share this story with dismissing it by telling me how their kids had "so much trouble sleeping on Christmas Eve, too." I saw flashes of all the movies I'd seen where some version of this anecdote was portrayed so sweetly: a young child overcome with Christmas excitement, who would eventually settle into slumber while his never-worried mom rubbed his back and sang him "Silent Night."
But I knew we were on the precipice of a full-blown panic attack, and I was terrified. My shoulders, neck and jaw tightened and I remembered all the nights when a stuffy nose or new surroundings changed the expectation/demand of sleep into a perceived threat, leaving him panicked. He'd rock in bed, screaming that it was “too much”, and that he would never sleep again.
My husband walked Cooper back to his bed. And then he did it again, and again, and again. And then the shouting began.
“I can’t do it, mama! I need to get up, my body won’t let me sleep.”
So I went downstairs, grabbed a present, some popcorn, and filled a small bowl with whipped cream splashed with red and green sprinkles.
I brought it all up to Cooper's room and as he opened his present, I saw his body calm. He ate a few bites of the whipped cream, nibbled on popcorn, snuggled his stuffed doggie, and rotated his six pacifiers from his hands to his mouth, according to their temperature.
We sat with him like this until 2:30am, when he finally agreed to stay in his room until morning.
And he did. He stayed in his room until 6:00am, when he burst back into ours, proud of his success and excited to start the day. I had no idea if he had slept at all, and I felt nauseous I was so exhausted, but I was proud of him too.
I share this story now because I know how hard the holidays can be for parents of PDA children and teens. The excitement of the season creates more activation in their nervous systems, often causing more frequent and intense panic attacks and meltdowns.
And of course caregiving through this is made harder by the additional stress the holidays place on us parents, as we shop for gifts and navigate family visits and dynamics.
So, to help you get through this season, I wanted to share some of the things we've done over the years to bolster our own survival. Feel free to try any of them and see if they're helpful.
Four Tips For Managing The Holidays With A PDA Child Or Teen
1 - Increase accommodations. As I mentioned above, the excitement of the season makes it impossible for your PDA child or teen not to take on more nervous system activation. But if there are ways you can increase the ways and frequency you accommodate them, doing so can help prevent an increase in meltdowns. For example, although my son is perfectly capable these days, I help put his boots on, and am more lax about tooth brushing before bed.
2 - Separate siblings. I know this one is hard to consider, given all the expectations we all hold of what the holidays should look like. But PDA children experiencing more nervous system activation are going to equalize more, often on their sibling. And this can make holidays miserable (and not at all like what we thought they should be like anyway). One way to make this accommodation easier to swallow is to keep in mind that you're just trying it, and even if it's helpful, don't have to do it every year. For example, after three years of traveling separately over Christmas - my husband and I each with one kid - we are going to try doing Christmas as a family this year.
3 - Adjust traditions. Some cultural and religious traditions are hard to adjust, but there may be others you can get creative with. For example, for the past few years Santa has surprised our kids by coming a few nights before Christmas Eve. And this has completely preempted the sleepless, panic-stricken night I described above. Additionally, we light two menorahs during Hanukkah, so that both children get to light the same number of candles every night.
4 - Lower demands on yourself. With all the additional accommodating you're doing for your children, paired with the stressors of the season on you, it can be helpful to let go of some of the demands you place on yourself. You might feel guilty doing so, but let me remind you that the caregiving we provide for our PDA children and teens requires considerably more of our energy and nervous system than traditional parenting. You are a rock star parent already, and you deserve some breaks, too. With this in mind, this year at our house it's quite possible we won't put lights up outside. In fact, unless the day comes when the lights - which are currently strewn by the front door - are grabbed by and strung up by our children, they're very likely not going anywhere.
I hope those are helpful.
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