I've been beating myself up lately. 🥊

Yesterday was tough.

Not because anything momentous or terrible happened, or even anything out of the ordinary. 

William (7 years old) continues to recover slowly from burnout and Cooper (11 years old) just got braces and his teeth are sore. 

Both my boys are generally happy and objectively doing well.  

But yesterday morning, I got hit with a wall of sadness and feeling helpless. 

I found myself crying in the parking lot of my gym, while talking to a friend who is also raising PDA children.

As she listened, I expressed that I felt like I wasn't doing enough and that I was a bad mom because I was dreading the afternoon task: sitting in my younger son's bedroom and watching him play some inane video games that are too loud and then delivering food every five minutes that he likely won't eat. 

I wanted respite, ease, and a different experience. I wanted to "fix" it. 

And then I felt guilty for even wanting that, because I am literally living the life I prayed for seven years ago when my older son was deep in burnout. 

I can go to the gym.

My older son can eat again.

He is in school and has friends.

My husband and I go on dates. 

What was my problem!?

Basically, it was a storm of self-loathing. Perfectionism. Turning on myself.

And even though I practice a form of Buddhist mindfulness that is PREMISED on non-judgment and self compassion, I constantly forget and make myself wrong for my humanness. (Anyone relate?) 

I judge my own anger, grief, exhaustion, annoyance, and all the other emotions we feel as parents of PDA children and teens. 

As I expressed and processed in that parking lot, my friend helped me pull out of the loop. 

Reminded me I was a good mom and that this also belongs. 

I got into the gym a half an hour later and lifted some weights, whispering to myself to welcome every emotion or physical sensation that came up. 

👉 "Welcome sore middle aged arms lifting weights and feeling bummed about it!"  

👉 "Welcome flash of anger at that man who just walked his muddy shoes across my mat!"

👉 "Welcome under-eye circles as I catch a glimpse in the locker room mirror!"

After my workout, I returned to caregiving with more love to give to William. 

I felt more at ease in my body and heart, knowing that all of this belonged. 

Sending love for your imperfections.