Managing the holidays with a PDA teen 🎁 💥

Hi everyone,

This week I'm sharing a post from our resident teen expert - Donna Georgen - to help you all through the holidays. Here you go:

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One of my favorite holiday songs has always been Andy Williams’ “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” It still makes me feel good inside. It reminds me of delicious foods, holiday decorations, and family togetherness. When my kids were younger, they loved helping decorate the house—honestly, it looked like a Christmas bomb had exploded, and I adored it.

But as the years passed, Christmas changed. Some of it was my kids’ natural shift into the tween and teen years… but mostly it was PDA emerging in ways I didn’t yet understand. The traditions I saw as fun and festive—baking together, decorating, shopping for others, visiting family—felt overwhelming to their nervous systems. What appeared to me as joyful holiday rituals felt to them like a string of losses: losses of freedom, of choice, of equality and in turn their subconscious would respond in ways that were out of their control. 

At first, I fought it. I chalked their resistance up to “just being teenagers.” I pushed harder than I meant to. I held onto what Christmas used to be. And their nervous systems responded. Gift giving changed from anticipation of receiving presents to “Don’t get me anything. I don’t want it.” And even though they loved our extended family, the pressure of “Of course we’ll see everyone—that’s just what we do” became almost physically painful for them which turned into refusal to attend or withdrawing from the group. I remember wondering if this was what Christmas would always look like. There was grief, and even resentment that I couldn’t enjoy the season the way I imagined--the way I wanted. 

And then, I began to realize my teens weren’t choosing to be combative or to isolate. That deep revelation changed everything. And slowly, I changed. Not in one big moment, but in dozens of small ways.

The intensity of “The holidays are here! Let’s gooooo!” softened. I started waiting for them to mention decorating the tree or to ask if I would bake them sugar cookies. I relaxed into optional plans… dropped the “shoulds" and “Don’t you want to _____ like always?" I allowed hoodies, headphones, and holiday meals in other rooms. Traditions became gentler or were put on hold entirely. Gifts became optional. If they didn’t want presents, I still bought a few things they had hinted at, tucked them away in my closet, and waited. Inevitably they would ask, “Did you get me anything?” and their face would soften with relief when I said yes.

And even though it didn’t look anything like Christmases of the past, I began to see something I hadn’t seen in a long time: my teens relaxing… actually enjoying themselves… experiencing a real sense of joy.

Over time—years, not weeks—as PDA moved from burnout to recovery and eventually toward equilibrium, things continued to evolve. Family get-togethers became possible again. Gifts made their way back under the tree. There was laughter, connection, and more genuine ease.

If your holidays are changing—or if you’re grieving what they used to be—please know that you’re in good company. PDA has a way of reshaping our traditions, not because our kids don’t care, but because their nervous systems are working so hard to feel safe. And wherever you find yourself this year—in burnout, in rebuilding, or somewhere in between—I’m sending you a warm reminder that joy can grow in different soil, and that your family’s version of Christmas is allowed to look exactly the way it needs to.