PDA burnout recovery: two steps forward, one back

For parents of children with pathological demand avoidance (PDA), burnout recovery can look like a surge of progress followed by a sudden retreat.

Here is what that rhythm looked like for our family this week, and why it is a normal part of the recovery process.

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It's been a whirlwind of a week that has left me with little energy left to write the email I normally draft on Friday mornings. 

My younger PDA son - William - went back to his old school for half days of summer camp (soccer camp!) this week after being out of school and activities for over a year. 

He did great, but I could see his energy and regulation fading by the end of the days, with more meltdowns and dysregulation in the evenings.

Another observation I had was that he sort of went "all in" on what I infer is his 7-year-old version of getting back to normal. He came with me to get groceries (first time in a year and a half), he wanted to do a family dinner every night, set the table, and help with cooking. He asked about playdates, trying out the family kayak, and traveling to see the ocean.

All in one week.

And while it was wonderful to see him "exposing" himself to the outside world again, I also noticed that it was too much for his body.

One evening after carefully cutting the watermelon slices to leave out in the middle of the table for our family dinner, he felt he needed to experiment with "creating watermelon juice" by squeezing it between his hands.

This continued until the whole dining room and then the outdoor back deck and him were covered in sticky juice. This ended in a total meltdown that dad had to de-escalate, while I took Cooper to get ice cream in town. 

That night as I got William cozy in bed, I said, "It seems like you are really 'getting used to' going to camp again and being out of the house." 

He said, "I am and I like camp, but I don't like being used to things at home."

What I took this to mean is - Mom, I can muster up energy to appear more "typical" at school, but I am finding myself masking at home too.

I reminded him that his body needed time, and that it was ok if he needed to spin, to hide in his room with the shades drawn and play Minecraft, or to skip the family dinners which we don't usually do anyways. We agreed that maybe we could try for a family dinner once a week and he drifted off to sleep seeming more settled and content. 

I know this pattern is common. I have heard from countless parents in our Paradigm Shift Program®  that after almost a year of not leaving the house, a teen announces that they are now going to start bathing, socializing, sleeping regular hours, and getting new clothes on. They spent two weeks out in the world at max speed, and then need to retreat in what feels like "back to burnout," which can be scary for parents and disheartening for the teen.

The way I see it is that our children's brains and bodies are learning to calibrate and there is a rhythm of two steps forward, one step back, as they learn and build up their *true* frustration tolerance post-burnout for the world at large.

It will inevitably look different in the tenuous recovery stage and, while we parents are so excited we want to encourage it at the top of our lungs, it is also important to protect the recovery space. 

Next week William will be back home with us for a week, and then we shall see if he still feels up for going to his 3D printing camp with his brother. Either way, it will be ok.

Sending you all love from the land of uncertainty.