Radical acceptance and when leaving the house feels momentous! 🪶

After a month of frigid temperatures and piles of snow here in Michigan, the sun came out this week.

The ice melted and it started to feel like spring.

And my younger son, William (7 years old), who has been in PDA burnout since last June, got the memo.

This past week he:

🪁 Flew a kite at the park with his brother

🐾 Took our dog on a walk (!) with me and Jake four times

🏡 Went on the swings in our backyard multiple days in a row

🪶 Searched for feathers with his dad in our neighborhood

Now, to most parents without PDA or neurodivergent children who have experienced burnout, this would seem like normal kid stuff.

But for a child recovering from burnout, who didn’t leave his room for months except to go to the bathroom, it is HUGE.

As I watched William emerge into the sunshine, my nervous system relaxed enough to reflect more on these last ten months.

I was reminded of what I already know:

Information about PDA is necessary and helpful, yet the consistent practice of supporting a PDA child or teen requires deep inner work and a radical acceptance practice as a parent.

For example, even though I knew cognitively what the burnout-recovery-equilibrium cycle looked like in PDA and had walked my older son and 1,000s of parents through it, it was different to FEEL it again in my body.

To feel the fear and resistance as I watched my previously thriving kid not be able to leave his room, spend 12 hours on a screen a day, and not want to engage in anything.

This past year brought me back once again to the core of my spiritual practice and the underlying energy of everything we teach and how we support parents like you.

Radical acceptance.

Now if you are having a knee-jerk reaction to this term, hear me out.

Radical acceptance does not mean giving up, no boundaries, or that things will never change.

It means two things:

• Seeing clearly what is true in the present moment (Awareness)
• Bringing compassion and non-judgment to that truth (Lovingkindness)

The practice is “radical” because it requires letting go of:

1. Grasping at the past (But he was fine a year ago!)
2. Avoiding the present (If I use declarative language a certain way, maybe I can convince him to go outside without a meltdown today!),
3. Projecting onto the future (He will never leave his room again!).

For me, months ago, radical acceptance meant facing this difficult truth:

If I wanted William to leave his room, I would have to carry his body, and it would result in a screaming panic attack and a loss of trust between us. It would make it harder for him to access hygiene.

Of course, this truth brought up immense anxiety within me, because like you, I am human.

This is why the second branch of radical acceptance is so important.

It allowed me to bring compassion and non-judgment to the fact that I was terrified, angry, and resentful.

That I hated the truth I saw clearly: 

My second son was suddenly in burnout and once again I would have to overhaul my level of control over my own life to care for him.

I believe that it is only from that place – allowing yourself to feel fully, imperfectly, and beautifully human (and pissed off about the truths you are accepting!) – that you can act out of unconditional love for others.

And paradoxically, as we practice radical acceptance over and over, things do start to change in ways we never expected.

Specifically, PDA children and teens start to perceive felt safety on the deepest level because we as the parent are finally letting go of control.

And this is the ultimate sense of autonomy and equality for them.

These radical acceptance moments build and then suddenly:

🪶 Your child steps outside and looks for feathers in the backyard.

🌮 They try a new food again.

📚 They bring up the topic of school for the first time in a year.

💌 They hold your hand and tell you they love you.

If this is resonating and you want to go deeper with the concept of radical acceptance, I have two starting points:

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. (I’m reading it for the 4th time!)

Finding Meaning Masterclass (free)

Sending you clarity and compassion for whatever is true in your life right now.