The things we do as parents of PDA children and teens

It's the first official week of summer break for our family. ☀️

After not being able to attend school for the last two weeks because "his body wouldn't let him," William (6) decided (autonomously) to go to his electronics summer camp this week. 

We gave him full permission to stay home from camp, but he said that it would be OK because at camp he has more freedom and he gets recess three times each day. 

Despite him making a new friend and enjoying the electronics, I can see his cumulative nervous system activation ticking up again. 

When he gets home from camp, he needs one on one undivided attention and there is more equalizing behavior, as well as outbursts (which are less common for him because he usually internalizes). 

William has been letting out his need to reset his nervous system by being "above" us by winning EVERY game of Uno, walking around repeating "you're stupid" in a silly way to his dad, and "accidentally" giving us the middle finger. 

When he is not doing that, he is cocooned in his oversized green blanket. A portable cave that he carries around the house so he can retreat when needed. 

We are dancing on the edge of his threat response, and with that comes uncertainty (and obviously, our anxiety). 

His older brother - Cooper - now out of PDA burnout for four years - is living his best special interest life at fishing camp. 

He looks forward to this week of the summer all year. He plans, he makes lures, he prints out maps of the pond, plotting exactly where he will catch the biggest largemouth bass.

He also leaves his service dog home with us, because like any black lab on a hot day, he would be too tempted to jump into the pond and ruin the fishing for the kids.

When I spot our dog on the couch in our home, I remember and chuckle at the four months my husband and I rotated sitting outside of Cooper's second grade classroom trying to retrain the service dog.

(Yes, PDA kids may un-train their service dog, lol). 

We sat there, with a buzzer connected to the dog's collar, focused on correcting his behavior, while trying not to be seen through the classroom door. The chairs we sat in were designed for the body of an elementary school aged child. Other parents walked by and gave us inquisitive looks. 

The life and journey of a parent of a PDA child or teen is not easy. It is messy and deeply imperfect. 

It is full of uncertainty, judgment, and fear of the future for our kids and teens. 

We do things that other parents can't imagine doing or think are crazy. 

But there is also beauty in this level of attunement, non-attachment, and surrender. 

Of finding creative solutions and letting go of control. 

Of getting our kids through the hard times no matter what.

And I know this isn't just me, but rather our entire community of amazing parents. I know because of your DMs, comments, stories and anecdotes. 

So to brighten your Friday, I wanted to share some of your stories of doing what it takes to get your PDA child through. 

Here are five I selected from the comments on a recent instagram post. 

"There was a time when our daughter wouldn’t leave the house unless she was accompanied by a live butterfly in a jar. My husband and I would spend many desperate hours/minutes catching a butterfly just so we could leave. This lasted months, culminating in her taking a jar of live butterflies into school where she proceeded to release them. The teacher said her and her classmates then spent days ‘distracted’ by the butterflies fluttering around the room. A genius way of making the classroom go on her terms." 🦋

"I got my 8-year-old son to school every morning for 10 weeks knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to go to his classroom once we got there, celebrated his achievement of going, stood my ground against the principal for condemning my parenting, and advocated over and over again for a trauma informed approach prioritizing connection over compliance. He recovered from his dip into burnout and now manages to attend school almost full time!" 💪

"Once my daughter recovered from over a year of burnout (she was not able to engage in any sort of meaningful learning during that time), she was finally ready to attend a new school that accommodated her well. But she still had lots of anxiety and would wake up in the middle of the night, not be able to fall back asleep, and then was unable to attend school in the morning. So my husband started staying awake all night and “kept watch” in her bedroom. Any time she would stir or start to wake up, he would gently help her calm down. It worked! Once she had enough sleep, she was able to make the school transition." 👀

"Timmy the raccoon stuffy was a ratty old realistic raccoon they found at a thrift store that came everywhere for 2 years until one night at a fireworks event Timmy was left in a crowd due to an overwhelmed sensory overload meltdown. We didn't realize it until we were halfway home. I went back in the dark that night and searched with no success. Timmy's disappearance was devastating. So we made lost posters and had friends combing the area looking. After a week it was clear that Timmy was trashed so I searched on Ebay for a replica, but our kiddo is too smart and would know it wasn't the real Timmy. So a fellow momma of an ASD child who's similar came up with this idea! I bought it for $100 and distressed it, rubbed it in grass etc. Then we set up a text from her with a photo asking if it could be Timmy because she may have just found him at a thrift store locally in a bin. What a miraculous event this was!!! And my dear sweet love believed it and I cried when they were ' reunited. I couldn't believe we pulled it off" 🧸

"My daughter got her socks muddy at the park. Huge meltdown. Couldn't walk back home. I had to get my own socks muddy. Then I had to use 2 clean nappy bags as socks on her feet so she could wear her shoes, so we could walk home. I had to also have nappy bags on my feet, because, equality. This amongst many other things I never thought I’d need to do." 🦶

Keep on keeping on everyone!