Back to school dread

Is back to school season making you anxious and triggered as a parent of a PDA child or teen?

I get it.

I remember the feeling of watching all the cute photos populate my Instagram feed of neurotypical kids holding signs that said things like “First Day of Second Grade” with cute matching outfits and new backpacks.

I would have to remind myself that it was – again – time to take a break from social media. I would then confront my own guilt about feeling rage and resentment towards the children of people I loved and cared about.

I felt so invisible, isolated, and not understood for my son’s struggles even among many friends that I loved dearly. I didn’t have the words to explain, or the nervous system regulation to try anymore.

Our family spent a year and a half unschooling at home (much of it during the pandemic), while still technically enrolled in the public school, because we were fighting with the superintendent, principal, and special education team to get Cooper accommodations.

It was probably the most gaslit I have ever felt – much more than by the medical system – and even with a lawyer to support us.

I remember my heart pounding while trying to advocate for Cooper with language I didn’t yet have in front of eight staff members – psychologists, social worker, teacher, principle, special education director, etc. – and listening to them tell me that what I was saying couldn’t possibly be true despite our two autism diagnoses for my son.

I remember the public school that is three blocks from our house putting up a sign that said “no dogs allowed on playground” the day after they saw my husband walk Cooper to school with our new service dog.

I remember my son’s bodily reaction as he approached the public school each day, and how his face changed so dramatically as soon as I picked him up (the mask falling off, the pacifier going in his mouth, him RUNNING for the safety of home to meltdown in privacy). I would be trailing behind him, heart in my throat, and bracing myself for the panic attacks and pain that would ensue that afternoon and evening.

Even when my son began attending a wonderful private Montessori school part way through first grade, I still remember (and sometimes feel) the gut-wrenching sensation of “the shoe could drop at any moment.” The voice in my head saying –

Yes, it’s going ok today, but what if he hits another kid?

What if he starts refusing to go?

What if the school decides they won’t allow the service dog either?

What if he goes into burnout again from all the demands of learning?

Whew. It can be too much for our hearts to take.

Earlier in the week, I spent some time brainstorming about what I needed most to support me in my advocacy three and four years ago.

One of the skills I teach in our signature Paradigm Shift Program is making requests of people to accommodate our children using the P. L. A. T. O. Framework and Non-Violent Communication.

Yesterday, I did a special free training on Instagram live using this framework with examples from our community’s concerns about school. You can access it here.

Advocating With Your PDA Child or Teen's School

I hope that this helps you skip over the year and a half of pain, gaslighting, and fear that I experienced while advocating (unsuccessfully) in the public school system. This approach has been what has proven most effective in my life and for the families that we work with.

And if you are looking for more resources as you head back to school, feel free to check out these options:

We are trying to support our PDA child or teen in a school environment:  

PDA Parents site – School Template Letter for Accommodations.

PDA Parents podcast – Episode 8: PDA and School (you can hear more about my story with Cooper on this episode).

At Peace Parents – Episode 1: Recognizing Pathological Demand Avoidance in an Educational Setting (this is an excerpt from a training I did a couple years ago with a Sudbury Democratic School).

And our free Masterclass on School and PDA, with a bonus session on unschooling and 5 PDFs including a one pager for teachers. (This is especially helpful if you are deciding whether or not to take your child or teen out of school).

My PDA child or teen can’t access school outside the home:

If you are thinking about self-directed (“unschooling”) education, here is a great resource – the Alliance for Self-Directed Education - to help you start.

Finally, I was interviewed on a podcast yesterday (I'll share when it's released) with – and have invited as a guest speaker in the Paradigm Shift Program – Kelly Edwards from the 90-minute school day.

She has a PDA child and our approaches align almost perfectly, however her specialty is self-directed education and how to practically do it in just 90 minutes a day (even if you are still working from home!).

She has a new program starting soon!

Good luck this next week and remember, even when all those first-day-of-school-new-backpack-photos appear in your social media, you are not alone.