PDA parenting: it's okay to grieve the tradeoffs

Accommodating a pathological demand avoidance (PDA) child can mean giving up the career, the values, or the version of yourself you imagined.

Here is permission to grieve that.

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When I first started posting about PDA and parenting on social media over five years ago, I was surprised by the response of some autistic advocates.

They were upset because I was centering the parent experience. 

One of the most common DMs or comments I would get was something along the lines of, "Stop grieving a living child."

Of course this set off my sensitive nervous system, but when the activation died down, it also made me think.

🧐 Was it truly not neurodiversity-affirming to be centering the parent experience?

Here is what I learned from that reflection:

1️⃣ Centering the parent experience can be triggering to a neurodivergent adult whose own childhood experience wasn't honored and accepted.

2️⃣ I needed to distinguish between grieving the CHILD and grieving the TRADEOFFS in my life. The tradeoffs that are inherent to truly accommodating and supporting my PDA autistic child in a way that prevented more trauma.

This was what I was thinking about this morning as I poured two cups of Sprite for William - one to mix in his new medication and one to wash down the bitter taste afterward.

As I worried about the additional sugar intake that introducing Sprite would cause, my brain started listing tradeoffs:

🍭 A sugary drink is the the tradeoff of getting my PDA autistic son to take a medication he needs.

🍝 The tradeoff of delivering food to my sons' beds is more physical labor for me, because I have to walk up and down the stairs with bowls and cups, and then clean them - and crumbs - up later.

🫠 The tradeoff for providing a PDA child or teen more autonomy and flexibility during a transition means you may be late to work, or at the very least frazzled when you arrive.

👀 The tradeoff for not correcting a rude comment in public ("you are an idiot, mom") means the tribe looks at you like you are not one of them. Get your child under control, they think. What a bad mom.

And finally, we have the bigger tradeoffs that some of us must face when our PDA child or teen goes into burnout.

👉 Leaving a career or reducing work

👉 Moving geographic locations to be near family

👉 Spending more money on a private school

This train of thought reminded me of a time years ago when I was sobbing to a colleague in the hallway of the Pew Charitable Trust where I used to work.

I was staying late that day because I had been invited to speak and dine with the board members of the trust about our work on research integrity for the non-profit.

It was a fancy rooftop dinner overlooking the portrait gallery in downtown Washington D.C.

I had my heels, pearls and satin blouse on, yet I couldn't stop crying to my dear friend about the fact that I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't do both things in that season: Work an intense, in-person job AND support my PDA child who was going into burnout.

Now, so many years later, I want to give you permission to grieve the tradeoffs and recognize them as indicators that you actually are accommodating your child deeply.

I also want to reframe something for you.

✏️ Supporting a PDA child or teen is as much about making hard decisions as it is about accommodations.

That is why so much of our work and coaching centers on helping you do exactly that.

In fact, we have a totally free 2-hour class to help you master the basics.

Free Class

And of course, if you want personalized coaching support and a group of other parents practicing real-life boundaries and decision-making, we would love to have you in the next live cohort of the Paradigm Shift Program®.

With much love and recognition of all the unseen, daily tradeoffs you make.